Just keep swimming..

It occurred to me that I hadn't written anything in a long time.

The last couple of entries I made were pretty dark, so I suppose now is probably a good time to write another entry.

My life consists of 4 - 5 main things, and at any given point about half of them are great, and the other half awful. For the first 5 months of this year, all of them were below average or at least I perceived them to be below average. I've since found help and would say that only 1 or 2 need help to get above average.

It always takes comparison to realise how you are going. The problem is that most people compare themselves to other people when really we should be comparing to ourselves. In the last 6 months, I suppose the main thing I have changed is the way I think. The standards to which I hold myself to. It's great to hold yourself to high standards, my issue was that I was probably holding myself to unrealistic standards.

It's taken a lot of self reflection for me to realise that in the last year, I have come a really long way. In the last couple of months, I have learned more than possibly my entire working life. I have been given compliments in the last couple of weeks which I don't think I would have believed a couple of months ago.

I tend to believe that I am really honest to myself, perhaps I was wrong. Judging myself too harshly is not entirely honest. Time to go a little easier on myself and to actually celebrate wins when they occur, rather than feeling there should have been a bigger win.

I envy them

I've noticed lately that 'struggle', 'rough week', 'really busy', 'so stressed' are pretty normal every day terms for me lately. I'm finding it more and more difficult to keep my emotions in check.

There are moments where I can't see beyond the present, where I struggle to breath. Then once the moment passes I can't seem to believe that I could have felt that way. I'm getting concerned. I sit here thinking that I am absolutely fine, but then in those moments I struggle so much that I think about Linda and Michelle with a hint of envy.

I don't even know if I can publish this post. How do I convey these thoughts without coming off as angsty and emo? There are times when I feel so alone that I struggle to breathe. Then it passes and I just feel nothing. I'm so scared, I don't know what to do.

Every time I see someone carrying a tray...

I think of you. I always think that it would be so much fun to just knock it out of their hands. I could bolt, what would they do? I'm almost certain that's the kind of shenanigans you used to get up to. I remember my shoes that you used to borrow, and inevitably return with holes in them. Or my jacket you borrowed and brought home ripped with blood on it. I can't remember if I always found it this funny.

I remember when I pretty much pulled an all nighter to go see you in hospital. I remember that letter you were going to give me, but that I never received. I remember the time we went to get a tattoo and I laughed at you for being weak, then cried at the pain.

Remember new years, where I was driving and you threw that bottle of cruiser out the window because you were finished with it? Having flame grilled scallop sushi at liverpool. Sitting on that John St corner waiting for you/Rob to finish up work, and pounding each other on that same punch buggy driving around the block. Laughing at the stupid pranks we played on each other as kids when we weren't talking to each other.

Do you remember taking hot dog for a walk when you visited me at Epping? Those birds that started swooping at him and you freaking out? Remember when we found out about how dad was adopted and you laughed so hard you tipped the chair over?

Man, I miss you so much. I wonder if you realise yet that I lost you long before that car accident. I thought I could wait it out, that when you realised, we could hang out again. The thought never occurred to me that this wouldn't be an option.

Most of the time, I think that none of this really matters. That when some one dies, the world continues on without them. Then there are times like now, where it all hits me again. There are so many things that I wish I could share with you. It occurs to me that sure, the world continues, but it's different. The world is not the same without you in it. That evening, almost 4 years ago, the world changed and it won't ever be the same again.

Just wanted to say that I miss you.

Goodbye my friend

You always reminded me of my sister. Maybe it was your free spirit, or your carefree attitude, but I always saw a bit of her in you. When she passed away, I would look at your photos and think about her. You were both so stunning and you both knew it. Just the other day I had a look through your photos and had a little reminisce. I should have reached out, I'm sorry I didn't.

Nath and I will always remember you as someone who helped us find each other. Hearing this news has made my heart so heavy. I know you had some ups and downs, but I am hoping that you have found peace.

I can't find the words that adequately express how my heart feels right now. Rest in peace Michelle. Though you were only in my life for such a short time, know that the influences you made have guided me to where I am now.

Thank you.

A first...

This blog is getting progressively more and more depressing. 

Tonight I feel alone. I have never felt this alone in my life before. I feel like I could dissolve away and it wouldn't matter. When I close my eyes I feel like my limbs are slowly drifting apart. 

Tonight has been the first time I've called up a help line. I almost chickened out but I managed to stay on the line and chat to someone.  More useless advise, a URL to look at but ultimately it was just a friendly voice to chat to. 

It's calmed me down, which is more than I expected. But I still feel alone, insignificant and useless. 

I can't be the only one..

In the last couple of weeks, it has become blatantly obvious that I have anxiety issues. I can't remember it ever being as bad as this ever before, I'm starting to experience symptoms I've not really experienced before. So I've started the ball rolling to get some help.

This is not the first time I've gone down this path. I've gotten many referrals in the past, spoken to many doctors, and have been given lists of many numbers to call. None of these steps are easy. Turns out my anxiety sort of hinders my ability to get help for my anxiety.

I can't be the only one who gets stuck in this cycle. Surely other people with anxiety have difficulties trying to get help for the same reason? Well, true to my nature of writing posts that will hopefully help someone looking for help online - if you experience this too, then neither of us are the only ones.

I did end up making the call though, and the lady on the other end seemed to sense my nerves and was really nice and friendly. If she wasn't, I don't think I would have made the appointment because I know that I would eye her off every time I saw her in reception :P

On my way to getting help, so I'm glad I made the call.

Weight loss <> solution to all your problems

I came across this image (there was no source on it, and I'm not crediting that fraud of a website, so if you know the source kindly tell me and I'll update) and while I can't say I 'hated myself', I did think that my weight was the cause of most of my problems.

Don't get me wrong, I feel great and I love buying clothes - even more than I used to - and I am somewhat more confident than I used to be, but it hasn't made particular things easier.

So anyone blaming weight for depression? By all means lose weight, but don't assume it'll be your cure all. My non-professional and potentially useless advice? Get a hobby, I hear people with hobbies tend to be successful, which I can only assume means they are probably happier...?

Anxiety

Sometimes the world gets too over whelming to the point that I just... can't..

So a thought occurred to me. I've read that anxiety and depression are not uncommon, and that the majority of people will go through it at least once in their lifetimes. If you think about it, it's really not that hard to believe considering our life expectancies are just getting longer. I digress - my idea was to actually make a note of the things that have helped me out.

Funnily enough the things that have helped me out the most have been reading other people's experiences and things that had helped them out. So here are 2 blog posts which have really resonated with me in the past..

http://www.lunarbaboon.com/comics/break.html/

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com.au/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

I just reread through the 2nd one again

"...trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back"

I joke about it, but I've really been struggling lately (it's been well over a month now). Time to stop being so stubborn and actually get some help I think.